Thursday, 26 January 2012

Pineapple Dogs: Best forgotten I think.


hex There was a conversation with some people I work with. The result was a strange idea. That idea eventually took on a life of its own that I don’t think I can be held responsible for. That idea was Pineapple-Dogs something that I think is now best left forgotten. However before it’s forgotten I thought that the below text should be at least posted.

Its not gaming related, sorry about that and I promise I’ll get back to game blogs first thing tomorrow but for now I present to you the unusual and hopefully not sentient enigma that is ‘Pineapple-Dogs, Part one’ (no part two planned)

Pineapple-Dogs: Part one - Hit me Baby one more time.

Eddie was a 43 year old Refuse collector from Birmingham, he had always preferred the title ‘Bin man’ though, for nostalgic reasons. It was late on Friday night when Eddie sat in his Ripped arm chair in front of his old television. He reached for the Remote control with one hand and with the other he opened his can of sweet cider (generic budget brand that just gets the ‘job done’)

There wasn't very much worth watching on the old television so Eddie got slowly drunk to an episode of a nature show on a repeats channel that he got as part of his television subscription. Eddie secretly hated his television because of how is distracted him from his actual life. Eddie was deeper than he pretended and smiled to himself about his hidden depths as he slowly fell asleep watching a wild Dog eat a small rat.... the show was not good.

It was the Screaming that first woke Eddie but the morning light was the next inconvenience he had to face, it was streaming into his living room through the gap in the brown curtain behind the ageing television. He Stood up with a jolt as his hung over brain tried to process the still continuing sound of screaming from outside the window. On television there was a black and white children's show with a wooden donkey on it. Cider cans rolled down eddies legs and left the cold wet nectar all over his lap “For Christ sake!” he exclaimed with the venomous anger that only a hang-over can produce. The low rumble of an engine was now replacing the screaming in Eddie’s fuzzy ears.

He sauntered to the window and pulled back the curtain, There was a child in the street, sitting on the floor screaming and looking up where Eddie was not expecting to see a large black helicopter.

Eddie muttered to himself and closed the curtain in hopes that whatever madness was going out outside would not ruin his already crappy day off work. He used an old shirt to wipe the cider off his legs when an even more irritating sound burst through his living-room door. It was a large man with actual muscles and a military uniform, he was pointing a gun at Eddie and began shouting “Get on the floor now!, hands where I can see them!” Eddie was confused, wet, hung over and pissed off “What the...” he began to curse. Before he could finish his profound sentence the man fell to the floor with a thud and wet red brain matter sprayed Eddies front.

Eddie stood in his living room Looking at the corpse on the floor wondering how he got to this moment when another figure entered his living room, it was a small figure wearing a beige overcoat and a large rim hat. The figure was short and wide set with a cigar handing from one hand, the smoke rose this and wide. Eddie would see a large pistol on the figures other hand.

“I don’t want no trouble mister” spat Eddie with true dread in his voice, the figure looked up at him and stepped into the light. The figure was not what Eddie expected, it was a man, but his face was covered with what he could only assume was a mask, he man looked like a Staffordshire Bull Terrier. “What the.... ”Eddie began again but the dog man interrupted “Looked Eddie, I don’t have time to explain everything but I need you to get the pineapple from your kitchen. We have trip that we must make” The dog man took a long drag on his cigar and then slowly said “Before you ask, yeah, I’m serious”

Eddie was somewhere in-between shock and an acid flashback, he walked to his kitchen, not taking his eyes off the dog man, when he got the the kitchen door he stepped backwards and reached for his now out of date pineapple never once taking a moment to even blink. The dog man nodded with great pleasure when he saw the pineapple, he slid his gun into his shoulder holster and pulled a small black remote from his pocket, he then pressed a button.

There was a white flash an in a blink Eddie was standing somewhere new. He was on a metal platform inside some kind of military building, The dog man was next to him “Come on” he said and walked briskly out of the metal sliding door.

Eddie Followed because there was simply no other option. His mind was fracturing more and more as he walked past soldiers and office staff in the corridors of this place, Every one with a dogs head.

He followed the hatted dog man down another corridor and into a large room. That’s when Eddie saw a window and realised that this building he was in was not building at all, out of the window he could see the cold blackness of space and a blue bright ball bellow Eddie was in orbit of Earth... “That’s unexpected” he began to mutter as he put his hand on the large window. This time he was interrupted by a smooth and commanding voice “Hello Eddie” He turned to see a very short man with hair all over, this man was some kind of Jack Russel. He knew this face, it was the face of his old Dog ‘Sandy’ but that wasn't possible Sandy was hit by a car years earlier. Eddie shook his head and simply sat on the floor looking at ‘Sandy’ and wondering what substance he had abused in his sleep.

‘Sandy’ smiled and sat next to Eddie on the floor, he waved for the hatted Staffy to leave. “Eddie, I assume your pretty confused” he said, Eddie ignored him and began thinking that it maybe the result of a brain tumour or gas leak, Sandy continued “Look, Eddie, we don’t have much time so I’ll just hit you with the short version. All dogs on your planet are the avatars of us, the K9 continuum, we are a race of time travelling dog priests” Eddie turned and looked at Sandy with literally no thoughts in his mind other than a desire to go back to sleep. Sandy spoke again “Your the first human we have ever contacted personally. We need you to deliver your Pineapple to an alien race called the Trilbians, If you don’t your whole reality may become fractured” Eddie blinked and looked at his Pineapple. Sandy Stood up and walked to a terminal that was on the wall, he tapped a few button and said “This should help you understand” that’s when the music started. ‘Britney spears, Baby one more time’ was playing very loudly through a small vent in the ceiling “When you understand, meet me in the Time chamber, I have your Bone waiting” and with that Sandy left.... Eddie looked at his Pineapple yet again, then at the window, then at the vent... Britney spears still playing “Well that happened!” Eddie exclaimed to himself.

~ Yeah.

No comments: